At least, that’s what people keep saying…
Let me start by telling you I have never done something like this so this might be a bumpy ride. I am 25, and married to the man of my dreams. We have been married for 4 years in July. We got married in 2013 but didn’t have a “normal” marriage until 2015. See he is in the military, and I was in the middle of my degree in a completely different state. No one said it would be easy but it was done and now we are living happily together away from everything that we’ve known. Yes, people do it all the time but no one ever really talks about how difficult it really is. Being away from your hometown, family, and friends it’s tough but nothing could have possibly prepared us for this year. Losing my mother in law, grandmother, and now having a miscarriage. Our world has been broken and shaken and I’m constantly forcing smiles and laughs. All I want is to crawl in bed and never leave. Never face people, having them asking “What’s wrong?, You doing Ok?” Of course, I can’t do that. The devil will not win this battle but he sure is trying. I say I’m fine and put that ever so polished smile on my face but am I really? For now, no I’m not but eventually I will be.
Lets go back to April 11, 2017, the day I got my first positive pregnancy test. We weren’t even trying, we decided that come my next period we would start. I had just bought the first of what I thought would be many ovulation strips. Those were no longer needed because WE WERE PREGNANT!!! I was so happy, we needed something positive! February we lost my husbands mom. March we lost my grandmother, a week after my grandmother we lost her brother.. Now was the time, the time for positivity!! My best friend already knew, because with this being the first time I could have possibly been pregnant I was freaking out and needed talked through this. I told my husband that night when I took him dinner. Followed by telling my parents and his dad and sister shortly after, I wanted to tell my brother but wanted to wait for the perfect moment like he did when he told me. I wanted everyone to know that way if something went wrong we would all be in it together.
Weeks went on and my brothers birthday came up so of course we told him and his wife. I went in for my first ultrasound at what we thought would have been week 9 of my pregnancy. I went in expecting to see a little nugget, and hear a heartbeat. They started with an abdominal ultrasound which they couldn’t really see anything. So they went on it and started looking all they were able to find was the gestational sack, and yolk sack. The technician and OB/GYN didn’t seem too concerned but sent me for blood work and would need me to come back in a week for another ultrasound. At this point we were still positive, they said it could have just been that I ovulated late. They took my blood and called me in the middle of the week with results which I thought were good my hCg levels were going up but not like they had anticipated. I always had a feeling that this would happen to me, but my better half kept my hopes alive. Even after the next ultrasound which showed the same thing the following week he was still positive until the doctor confirmed our heartbreak. “Belighted Ovum” is the medical term but in people talk it basically means that my body was pregnant but there was no baby growing…
I was crushed, hell I still am! We of course had a decision to make… Option 1: Let my body get rid of it naturally, which I’ve read most women prefer since they get a sense of closure seeing it come out of their body. Downfall, it could take weeks or days for this to happen. Option 2: Take an oral pill that will speed things along causing you to essentially go into “labor” and have it come out that way. (most painful according to others) Option 3: “D & C” (Dilation and curettage) which is a surgical procedure that dilates the cervix and curettage refers to removing the contents of the uterus by scraping the uterine wall and sucking it out.
I chose option 3, people might ask why and say that I’m wrong and many other things but in the end it was my decision. I don’t regret my decision, my mother had to have the same procedure with her first pregnancy. But only after taking the oral method and it not being successful. Not saying that would happen to me but my mom and I are basically twins so why take that chance? I just wanted everything to be over with and to move on and try again. After going home and looking up the procedure more I started to get major anxiety. I mean SCRAPE… hello that sounds awful! Luckily it wasn’t as terrible as they made it sound, I woke up a little sore and nauseous, but that passed.
Fast forward to now, 3 weeks after the procedure. I still cry occasionally I think what hurts the most is the fact that there are people who have no issues at all with pregnancy. They eat the things they aren’t supposed to eat, they drink, smoke, all kinds of things you’re supposed to give up for 9 months. Yet, they have their babies… Am I depressed? probably.. everyone who knows keeps telling me “be positive,” “cheer up,” “your time will come, and it will be great because this happened,” “try working out, it will make you feel better,” but its easy for them to say that. The only one who truly gets it is my best friend and of course my husband. I honestly don’t think I could function without them.
Who knew being an adult could be so hard?
Let me know what you think in the comments, or if you have had a similar situation. I know while going through this.. it was hard to find posts about belighted ovum and D&C’s.